Dear Viv: I judge myself for wanting a c-section
- December 11, 2019
- William Lewis
On this week’s podcast, Viv discusses how to deal with a birth plan dilemma.
Writing this email I feel completely ridiculous because I know the answer to my own question and I know exactly what I’d tell other people if they thought this way: “No! There is no right or wrong way to have a baby, a woman does not have to go through pain to feel worthy!”. But I can’t shake this feeling. Which annoys me so much because I am a smart educated badass woman!
I’m a law student in my final year and I am expecting my first child (planned for, but didn’t think it would happen that fast). Throughout my pregnancy I’ve had a low lying placenta and at my last scan it had moved, but not completely as much as it needs to. I have one more scan scheduled before my due date. Originally when it hadn’t moved I was slightly upset as I always imagined I’d give birth naturally. I know how ridiculous that sounds because you can’t plan these things and I’ve been telling everyone how I’m happy just to go with the flow and do what’s best for the baby but initially I was upset. However, after talking it through with my partner I began to think actually maybe a section was best for me. As I said I’m still at university, working on my dissertation, and have two policy papers to submit before the end of the semester. Having a set date for the baby’s arrival would make things easier and means there won’t be the chance of me being overdue and then not being able to make it home in time for Christmas.
But is this completely selfish and stupid of me? I know you can’t plan anything with a baby but am I naïve or ungrateful by trying to? I don’t want to seem like a terrible mother who wants the baby out early so she can get on with life when obviously it’s safer for him the longer he’s in there. I feel cowardly and unprepared.
I never normally feel young or inexperienced but right now I do. I look at older woman in my antenatal class who say with confidence “My section is scheduled for…” and I wish I could be like them. I don’t know why I feel like I have to make excuses for wanting (or, it might be, needing) a section. Any other woman I’d tell her you don’t have to justify yourself to anyone. So why am I trying to justify myself to myself?