Dec 8, 2019 by Hamza Sheraz.
Has anyone actually cured their cystitis with cranberry juice? (Of course they haven’t)As I write this, I have toothpaste on my face. There are two ways a woman can have toothpaste on her face: one) if she woke up late and her morning routine had to be compacted into a rushed five-minute window, thus leaving her with a crusty white snail trail until the early afternoon; two) if she has a massive spot. I have a massive spot. I have the kind of oily skin that I am told will serve me well in middle age but, at the moment, plagues me with perpetual whiteheads. Whiteheads that I then douse with toothpaste and become whiter still. I have been doing this for approximately 15 years. It doesn’t work. . It sort of shrivels the head of the spot off, so while the spot is still red and bulbous, it is now easier to put make-up over. I imagine that, just by writing this, I’m going to get a whole bunch of PR emails and tweets about how I can buy a tea-tree-and-witch-hazel-oil-infused spot stick that will be much, much better for me than a dab of Colgate. And, sure, I might even buy one of these spot sticks. I will use the spot stick twice and it will have the exact same effect as the Colgate. Inevitably, I will lose it in a secret pocket in my carry-on luggage that I somehow always know is there when I pack and whose existence I forget about when I unpack. And then I will be back to square one with the toothpaste. No matter how many products or drugs that come on the market, there’s something much more alluring about the home remedy. I live above a Tesco Express and a pharmacy, and yet, every time I have any form of ailment, the first thing I do is google “baking soda for cystitis” and “cure cramps with rice”. At this point, I have tried every home remedy on the first 10 pages of Google and here is my unscientific report on them.
My mum’s favoured remedy is to put a slice of bread in hot water and mush it directly on to your spot, which I’ve never seen actually work, but she forces me to do it when I’m home, anywayNo amount of cranberry juice on God’s green earth is going to shift your cystitis. An aunt of mine recommended sitting in a 2in bath of warm water and bicarbonate of soda, but this is apparently really bloody dangerous, so please don’t do it. I think everyone’s aunt is out there, telling everyone to sit in baking soda, and it’s reportedly responsible for 5% of baking soda accident Water is the only thing. I know. I’m sorry. You knew this already. Set up a home office on the toilet and drink a two-litre thing of filtered water. See if you can angle the TV so you can watch old episodes of 30 Rock in the mirror and, if the symptoms go on for more than two days, see the doctor. My deepest condolences for your Problem Puss.